Wednesday, 22 December 2010

The end of 2010...

Where have the last 5 months gone?!

I can not believe we are three days from Christmas after what has been the most turbulent year of my life! At one point I didn't know if I would be seeing Christmas let alone awaiting its arrival with such enthusiasm and excitement. I believe the Marvin from JLS tree topper has something to do with it! :)

I send my sincerest apologises for not updating the blog since July. The truth in my atrocious attempt to keep you all in the loop was purely down to my despondent mood, a far cry from the positive and composed woman who had been posting previously...Positive Polly seemed a bit of a distant memory!

I struggled immensely with the last 2 months of Chemotherapy. The drugs had ravaged my body, mentally and physically I was a shadow of my former self. Even 5 months into the treatment I was experiencing new side effects, each as terrible as its predecessors and it was becoming unbearable. Foolishly, we had assumed I would adjust to the fortnightly poisoning and would become accustomed to the effect. When actually the smallest task became the biggest struggle and I spent the majority of my time completely enervated and often tearful. It got to the point where I could not gather the strength to stand from sitting and I got stuck in my car on more than one occasion as I didn't have the strength behind me to open the door...Serves me right for not sticking to the pro max protein shakes!

I will be honest with you, the frustration of it all made me completely intolerable and I became near on impossible to live with. Thankfully, my parents, family and friends were always there to pick me up...quite literally! Never once making me feel guilty for struggling. I actually can not find the words to thank them all enough for this!

This was all bought to a glorious end on the 20th of August. As usual, I was forced to get up. This had become a ritual on the Friday of Chemo, If I had my own way I would stay with my head buried under the cover pretending it wasn't happening. Except this day was different! I wasn't escorted to my usual recliner, I didn't have my blood pressure taken and told it was worrying low. Instead I was whisked off and the doctors informed me they had made the conscious decision to stop Chemotherapy. I still had tumours but they believed the current treatment would no longer decrease the size of lumps and that they were infact scar tissue instead of active disease. This is without a doubt the happiest I had been in such a long time. Due to my sheer exhaustion, all I could do is cry! I even cried to a Black Eye Peas song which is utterly ridiculous. I didn't have the all clear and it was yet again another waiting game but the relief was immense.

The joy is as usual short lived and the reality you are in limbo again is worse than before. If the tumours are still active, they are now not being treated! All you can do is hope. The only time I had been let down by the NHS was at this stage. My details were lost and I was left waiting 2 months instead of 4-5 weeks before I could have my PET Scan to re-evaluate the growth and activity of the Cancer.

This took us to October, I was regaining strength and the first signs of hair were being to show! No more walking around with one eyebrow as I had accidentally wiped one off or looking like a transsexual in false lashes during the day.

Finally the call came and we recieved the news we had been waiting for with bated breath... We had done it and I was now in remission. This should have been the most amazing feeling except it wasnt and I didn't understand why I felt so confused by it all. The anxiety of it all was unreal! I had 100's of questions and limited access to being able to speak with my consultant and I had made the error of comparing my treatment to others, which you simply can not do.

I'm ridiculously scatty at the best of times but it became out of hand. I honestly did not know if I was coming or going. On top of the fatigue, no self esteem and the feeling of being of forgotten, I can put my hand on my heart and say I have never been so stressed in my life. I knew I had to do something before it got out of hand and closure was what we all needed. It was time to organise the remission party I had daydreamed about months before.

To have all of the people who had been there for me over the last 10 months in the same room was incredible. The evening went without a hitch and everyone was in such high spirits! The Band and DJ were exceptional and without sounding incredibly cheesy a great night was had by all. The miscellaneous bruises and horrific hangover confirmed that! I didnt get to wear the Remisson shoes I had bought back in February... it appears after 10 months of wearing flats has taken its toll, not only did I lose my hair but also my ability to walk in heel. I am now literally a tumble tot, just what you need when you bruise like a peach.

The party is exactly what was needed. The prospects of the future are exciting and I am looking forward to living life to the full.

Since then, I've made my return back to work, something I had been worrying about but it didn't take long before it felt like I had not been away and we were all out of hand at the Christmas party. It is amazing that last years bash is where I established something was wrong so to have done a complete turn around in a year is truly astonishing.

I've celebrated my 24th birthday and for the first time I wasn't mortified at the prospect of being another year older. On the contrary, I was made up to see another year with all of my favourites!

And I have signed up to climb Mount Kilimanjaro in January 2012 to raise money for Macmillan. A foundation whose constant support provides thousands of families the information required to digest the life changing news. It only feels like yesterday my sister was printing details of Hodgkin's from the site to hand to the family...

It has been an incredible journey! I am without a doubt a better and stronger person from this and the friends I now have in my life are unfortunately stuck with me forever. Thank you to everyone who has shown their support to myself and my family. It is you who has help us to keep going to now be celebrating Christmas 2010 with one another.

I will continue to blog details of the training and the climb so keep following for entertainment value. I can't even climb the stairs without being out of breath.

I wish you all the Health and Happiness for 2011!

x KJ x

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