Well, my little sleep over at Frimley Park Hospital injected a fear in me that I just could not shake and I was left worrying when the next curve ball was going to be thrown in my direction and I strongly questioned if I was actually strong enough to handle it?!
After I made a full recovery, I unintentionally got myself really worked up. I began panicking if someone coughed anywhere near me, didn't really like sharing a car with anyone and heaven forbid should a little snot faced child make a run for it in my direction in Sainsburys... I was becoming slightly neurotic!
I have mentioned before you become hugely body aware when something like this affects your life. I'm constantly copping a feel of myself these days for new lumps and bumps and I have also become much more receptive to my emotions. Which, unfortunately after three months of treatment have been completely exploited and abused, so as I could feel myself becoming more tense it was clear then that I needed to do something to help constrain my fears.
It was at this time I began to research in to the relationship between Cancer and Depression. It wasn't that I believed I was depressed but I'm aware of how quickly things can get on top of you. Depression is not a tangible illness but it is very, very real and could have devastating effects on my recovery. So it has been a month of research and I can honestly say its has helped, I'm feeling much more positive today than I was two weeks ago and my research has helped me to keep that control which is so important to me.
I guess I had fallen victim to my own narrow mind and tunnel vision yet again. I was naive enough to think that the Chemotherapy and recovery from that will be the only battle. When in truth that is only a fraction of the fight. Managing your own emotions and staying strong enough to admit you don't feel right is just as important and going to the hospital every other Friday for my treatment.
I'm also pleased to say I have now resumed travelling in cars with my friends, food shopping and I'm no longer tempted to kick you in the shins should you go to give me a cuddle! :)
x KJ x