Saturday, 13 March 2010

The calm before the storm...

The week before chemotherapy started seemed to drag. In fact the anxiety and genuine dread that coursed through my body seemed to have a pausing effect on time and if I had not been clock watching so attentively, I would even suggest the minute hand had been moving one second forward two seconds back!

In previous weeks I have filled my days with friends and family, ensuring I do something I love each and every day. The week before treatment unravelled unpredictably and could not have presented a more vast contrast to my earlier fun filled days. I now constantly had an empty, numb feeling and had little control over my life. I felt like my independence had been snatched away. Everything was different.

I couldn't help but feel like Cancer had taken over and had effectively began ruining all aspects of my life even relationships with my closest because I just wanted to be on my own.

Now, this sounds particularly dramatic and I certainly do not have the energy to be a drama queen at the moment but I can not think of any other way to describe the incredible low you feel. Initial, I was really angry and embarrassed for letting myself become so affected and as before just tried to cover the fear with a smile and a joke but this low was burdened with such heartfelt not even the biggest smile could conceal it. On Thursday night I must have fallen asleep crying because I woke up Chinese on Friday morning with red puffy eyes and dry cheeks from the tears.

Chemo day was here and I was in automatic mode. I don't recall ever getting ready faster, probably because I looked so bad there was little point. The saying "You can't polish a poo" springs to mind! Usually I am running ten minutes late for everything...not today!

x KJ x

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